i realised that the most triggering aspect of social media is that i am jealous. i’m jealous of all the people who can document their recoveries in pictures and posts, and have something to look back on to reassure themselves that they actually did look very sick and to see how much has changed. i feel that in a way, having ‘recovery’ blogs or accounts is a way of validating the degree to which each person suffered, and makes it so much easier for people to look and say “ok yeah, i really did need to recover, i looked terrible and life was miserable” and i wish i had that.
when i was at my lowest weight and height of my disorder, there isn’t really any photographic or journal evidence of how sick i was, and so it’s really hard to convince myself that i was as bad as girls seem to be these days. i look at pictures of girls on instagram and tumblr who are recovering and they all seem so small compared to how i thought i looked when i was really bad, and it kills me to know that i won’t ever have the reassurance they do to remind themselves that things were really quite serious. i wish i knew what i looked like when i was very sick, i wish i had someone to tell me, and i wish i had that proof to validate the severity of my illness and that gave me permission to recover.