Day 16: Have you relapsed? What situations or feelings lead up to it? What would be a better way to deal with those feelings or situations next time they arise?
yeah, i am in the middle of a relapse right now. i think it was coming home from europe and just not knowing how to fit back into normal life. i did notice i was having a harder time with eating when i came home, but the real beginning of the relapse was clinical placement for uni in october/november last year. i don’t know exactly what set me off, but maybe because i was thrown so in over my head being there, i was so terrified of not being good enough or failing or whatever that the only way i knew how to cope of get that feeling of success and worthiness was through restricting my intake. once this happened the thoughts and behaviours just swallowed me up again and all of a sudden i had lost 10kgs and in the position of having to gain weight again.
i have placement coming up again soon, although i am hoping because i have done it before i will feel less intimidated and more confident in my abilities that i don’t feel the need to fall back into bad habits. i guess going in and knowing it will be a very vulnerable time for me helps too, and i will be more aware of ways in which my eating disorder may try and sabotage me again. i can also try being fair to myself - of course i’m not going to be fantastic, i’m still a student. i’m going to make mistakes, i’m going to ask stupid questions and i am going to need help because i am still learning.
Day 15: What are some things that contributed to or enabled your disorder or addiction? How are you protecting yourself from these things now?
i have always been very reluctant to ask for help or tell anyone i am struggling which enabled my disorder to take an even stronger hold because it didn’t have to fight anyone but me. mum served up something really scary for dinner? eat it, but eat nothing the next day to compensate. someone wants to go out for dinner? go and be ok, but don’t eat all day to ~prepare. and because i didn’t have strong relationships with my parents, i could easily compensate for meals and no-one would find out. now, i think i am finding my voice and the confidence to speak up and say ‘i’m not coping’. i never feel good about it, but i am much more inclined to tell someone if i’m having a hard time and try and work around it. for example, the other night, instead of listening to my eating disorder and ordering a ‘safe’ salad, i told the friend i was with that i was really struggling and so she chose dinner for me.
Day 14: List your favorite things from the 5 senses: taste, touch, smell, sound, sight.
taste - hnng peanut butter?
touch - i looove the feeling of my rabbits fur
smell - freshly baked anzac biscuits
sound - when idina menzel hits the high note in defying gravity! goosebumps.
sight - anything that moves me and makes me feel overwhelmingly happy
Day 13: List 3 physical things you like about yourself and 3 non physical things.
ok so i find this really, really hard because when i am honest, there isn’t very much i like about myself. i really don’t. so my list is more things that maybe i could like about myself or things i aspire to be like one day.
my eyebrows are thick and defined, my feet are small and dainty, my teeth are naturally really straight
i can quote pretty much any episode of friends ever, i am considerate, i am a hard worker
idk someone help me out here